Day 32 to whatever: The Scott Colby Guide to Home Schooling

The internet, local news, and several of my acquaintances are abuzz about the difficulty of continuing their children’s education at home during this lockdown. Replicating an educational school environment is hard! It’s also bullshit, because school – despite the obvious advantages of a solid education – is mostly a waste of time. Just like most workers don’t spend every moment of their shifts actually working, kids aren’t really spending eight hours a day learning when they go to school. There’s time spent lining up, walking from classroom to classroom, and zoning out while the teacher starts class by droning on about irrelevant bullshit. And don’t even get me started on the time lost because little Timmy’s being an asshole again and the teacher feels the need to go on about it for half the damn period because she can’t immediately run outside for the cigarette that will finally calm her down.

My point: even paid professionals aren’t really filling the day with reading, writing, and ‘rithmetic. They’re doing the best they can with what they’ve got. You should too.

But how do you do that? You’re not a professional educator; you’re just some schmuck who figured getting their little bastards ready to eventually pay to put your ass in a nursing home would be someone else’s responsibility. You didn’t do the best in school yourself, so how, exactly, are you supposed to educate impressionable young minds that aren’t afraid of you the same way they’re afraid of their teachers?

Give em some life skills.

  • Teach ’em how to fill out a lottery ticket. Those Powerball bubbles are confusing. Don’t limit your precious little bastard’s earning power by sending them off into the world unprepared to become a degenerate gambler.
  • Have them do your taxes. “Useful stuff like filing income tax isn’t taught in them high falutin schools!” is a stereotypical complaint among the unwashed masses. Well, here’s your opportunity.
  • Get them cooking. Take advantage of restaurant restrictions and get those kids making meals for themselves – and, more importantly, for your lazy ass.
  • Prepare them for life at college. Face it: if your spawn overcomes all the shitty genes they inherited from you and somehow makes it into the local community college, they’re going to need a little help. Teach them how to mix cocktails and they’ll be the life of every underage party – setting them up for a bump in popularity that’ll help them exploit the smart kids.
  • Make sure they know how to swear. Even in today’s PC culture, a properly placed F bomb can make all the difference when dealing with assholes, ass hats, or ass clowns.

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