Hours after taking the oath of office, President Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. signed about a dozen executive orders rescinding some of his predecessor’s bullshit and charting a course toward a more inclusive, climate conscious future. It’s an excellent start.
As the world’s foremost expert on everything, however, I’ve got some more things he could do if he wants to keep up the momentum. You can have all these ideas free of charge, Joe. Seeing them implemented would be payment enough.
Immediately start going by J.R. Biden Jr. How bad ass does that sound? J.R. Biden Jr. is a wealthy, confident, stylish man of the people with an amazing car, superior grilling skills, and a take-no-prisoners attitude. Take your brand to the next level, Joe, and watch China and the Republicans piss themselves in fear of J.R. Biden Jr. The script for the accompanying animated series practically writes itself.
Carve out a stretch of federal land in the middle of nowhere and make it a lawless territory. Now the people who think all government is bad have somewhere to go and will stop getting in the way of actual progress. Don’t want taxes or socialized health care or any of the other things that make the modern world work? Fine. Go. Here. Have fun. But you have to stay there for at least ten years and you have to reapply for citizenship if you want to come back.
Set aside funds to buy Dr. Fauci an all-expenses-paid vacation to the destination of his choice. That guy deserves it. He looks ten years younger since the inauguration. However…it might be fun to pretend you’re rewarding him with a vacation to Mar-a-lago first.
Declare that the Boston Red Sox must spend at least $220 million on payroll this year. Watching decent players sign elsewhere at dollar values the Sox should be able to afford hurts my soul, man. Please do me a solid and make my baseball team at least pretend like it’s trying.